Things I Learned Last Year

Things I Learned Last Year

Sweat drops and teardrops are both salty.

Every cell in your skin 

is replaced every four months.

Hangnails don't go away

unless you cut them.

A violin hickey

is a badge of honor

that gets you places.

Scars heal from the inside out.

The more you pick at split ends,

the more of them you get.

Everything you see on a person's exterior 

is dead.

The faster you rip off a band-aid,

the less it hurts, but first you have to 

be brave enough.

2015. What a year. Filled with the starkest of contrasts: success and failure, forgiveness and revenge, defiance and conformity, pride and guilt, passion and regret, a few steps closer to finding myself—2015 saw it all.

My poem focuses on a few specific aspects of my life the past year, using skin or hair to symbolize something different in every stanza. The first two or three stanzas simply sound like statements with a matter-of-fact tone, but this progresses into slight arrogance in the fourth stanza, pain and remembrance in the fifth, regret in the sixth, reflection in the seventh, and reflection and empowerment (the only positive stanza!) in the last. Only after reading through the last few stanzas does it become apparent that each statement, even the ones in the beginning that seem like simple facts, have a symbolic meaning. Overall, the tone of the poem is reflective and melancholy/slightly regretful.

I sort of tried to mirror Stafford's poem structure by using run-on lines and only one thought per stanza. I also paid attention to the number of lines in each stanza (something I do not normally like to do), which is a 1-2-2-3-1-2-2-3 pattern. I did not really use any of the other features in his poem, like sentence structures or the topics he used. Mine was less about what I learned about the world in general, and more about a specific, personal reflection about how I have grown.

2nd Quarter Poetry Journal Reflection ｷｬｯ♪o((〃∇〃o))

Cake

I am half a sparkle on the gilt edge,

the flesh of a living charm.

We knit our warmth with needles,

the sweater that wraps

around the circle of our touching shoulders like a shawl.

 

I live in a land

of three-letter acronyms

we juggle back-ack and forth-orth like a game.

 

I am zapped to life by the swish of the baton,

jitter-itter and chug like a wind-up toy,

but the gears and springs inside me,

they’re silver and gold.

 

I used to be one of Them, sputter-uttering,

on the outside,

pointing, dry cracked lips,

faces tinted chartreuse,

pounding bloody cracks in the fiberglass windows

wail-wailing-ing please let me in-in--

 

But the sweater muff-uffles the voices of Them now,

sympathy drained.

It’s warm and snug in here,

No room for more.

Jitter-itter-chug, it’s all that matter-atters.

 

Let them eat cake.

This is kind of a weird poem. I forget what it was inspired by. (Of course it was inspired by me. *round of applause*) I do remember I pulled the lines "knit warmth with needles" and "wraps around shoulders like a shawl" from a poem we read (I don't quite remember which one), and "they're silver and gold" from a Lorde song, because, Lorde.

I dreamed up the idea for this poem during orchestra class (because, we all agree, I never pay enough attention when playing violin wrong notes WHAT ARE THESE WRONG NOTES YOU SPEAK OF). I was thinking about how people who get what they want (or are in the upper crusts of society), being content and unconsciously self-absorbed, pay no attention to those below them, who would give anything to be in the same situation. People are so blinded by the fulfillment of their own wants that they do not realize that there is a world outside of that little gilt edge, that little inner circle in orchestra where the conductor waves the baton into their faces, when that outside world is where they themselves had previously been. I was am was guilty of this too.

The last line is an alleged quote from Marie Antoinette, spoken when a herd of irascible peasant women stormed into the Palace of Versailles wail-wailing-ing for bread. I thought this would tie in well, because she showed indifference for the peasant's suffering, much as the elite in society (or school) today are indifferent toward the suffering of others who get it rougher. (I crossed that out because I think it's self-explanatory but Mrs. Leitsch wants me to elaborate on specific decisions-isions I made during the writing process so I'll spell it out.)

Something else new I tried during my revision process with this poem is I added a bunch of repeated syllables in selected words, set off by hyphens, such as "back-ack and forth-orth" and "jitter-itter-chug". These were meant to be kind-of-but-not-really-onomatopoeia, like we saw with that one poem called "Interchange", except a little differently. I guess what I wanted to show was the constant, repetitive nature of the cycle of nonchalance, and plus it sounds cool, so I decided to go with it.

2nd Quarter Independent Reading Reflection

This quarter, I finished 4.5 books (2.5 books more than last quarter, that’s a 125% increase) *fist pump*:

The Color of Water by James McBride

Girl, Interrupted by Susanna Kaysen

The Scarlet Letter by Nathaniel Hawthorne

Wintergirls by Laurie Halse Anderson

Room by Emma Donoghue

The Scarlet Letter, although pretty rigorous, was not as difficult as I had expected it to be! I understood basically all of what I read, and found it pretty interesting too. A lot of the language and sentence structure in classics is really different from modern YA novels, so it was kind of tough going (and that’s GOOD because I wanted to challenge myself :D), but I think I grasped it well enough.

I decided that I was working very hard gnawing my way through Hawthorne, so I sort of binge-read Wintergirls and Room, two books I would not normally have indulged in, because I thought, after all those aerobics with a classic, I deserved a treat. Rationalizations tsk tsk tsk *shakes head* 

However, I’m actually super glad that I gave myself such rationalizations because these two books turned out to be two of my favorites (I kind of have a lot of favorites but still. They’re awesome.) Wintergirls is a heartwrenchingly vivid (and, strangely, relatable!) story of a teenage girl struggling with anorexia, along with grief and guilt from the death of a close friend. The story is one of strength and recovery, but I particularly loved the beautiful writing style and haunting metaphors, such as:

“The voices swim around her insides and multiplied, charred, tinny echo voices that made a permanent home inside the eggshell of her skull.” 

I JUST LOVE THAT. Why can’t I write so beautifully??? Or actually maybe I can. I need to start doing that.

Room is an equally dark and potent story written from the perspective of a five-year old boy, Jack, whose mother was kidnapped and confined into a one-room garden shed seven years ago and finally explores the outside world for the first time in his life. Jack’s innocent and childishly positive outlook on life and his dependence on his Ma are what make this story so warm and sad at the same time.

The battle for my favorite book this quarter is tight between Wintergirls and Room, but I think the gorgeous writing style gives Wintergirls the final tug on the rope.

Many of the books I read this quarter (namely, Girl, Interrupted; Wintergirls; and Room), while not all that challenging in terms of comprehension, were very eye-opening and disturbing. Yeah, disturbing more than anything else: I met a suicidal girl in a mental facility, a girl who starved herself to the brink of death and sliced open her bag of skin and bones, and an adorable little boy with his aching mother who lost seven years of her life. I’ve grown to have a big sort of empathy for the characters, and learned that, these people actually do exist, and they are so incredibly strong. I need to read more such disturbing books in the future (I LEARN SO MUCH MORE THIS WAY). Also I need to give myself more rationalizations to read books that aren’t necessarily that challenging, like the two I binge-read this time. Because look how much I’ve learned from and enjoyed them!! (wow, was that a rationalization FOR a rationalization? *gasp*)

I read so much (125%!) more than I did last quarter, met my goal of four books including one classic, AND pulled myself through half of Hawthorne. *really swaggy motion that guys do after a sweaty workout* I’m proud, right there. (My friends are also proud of me because they’ve started getting annoying Goodreads notifications from me again.) I think I met my goals this time because I binge-read really hard WITHOUT the guilt. I loved it. I picked pleasurable, disturbing (was that an oxymoron? *gasp*) books, and I loved it.

My goals for next quarter’s reading are (1) finish The Scarlet Letter, obviously, because it’s challenging and I’m already halfway through so there’s no turning back *mwahahaha* and (2) read FIVE books, so I can read MORE than I did this quarter, especially with winter break and plenty of binging time (except still being realistic since third and fourth quarters are when most Science Olympiad competitions are so I need to mete out time for that too). *thumbs up thumbs up*

Oh and also, I can't figure out how to add a Pinterest button widget to my blog (it's been a long day), but nevertheless follow my Pinterest!! (It's actually good, I promise. Followers, this is the part where ALL 9 of you testify.)

ElizabethanLife: Hourglasses are In!

The summer of 1571 is rolling to a close, ladies and gentlemen, and hourglasses are in! 

Men, get a headstart boosting your masculinity this fall with a designer doublet, an armor-like breastplate extending to the shoulders and covering the back and chest, embellished with intricate lacing and stuffed with horsehair, wool, or rags. (You think that's uncomfortable? Suck it up—try putting on a corset.) Complement it with boots, a shirt, hose, ruff, long cloak, and hat on a special occasion, and you're ready to hit the floor! Breeches should reach the knees and be joined by a codpiece in the front. Beware of beards and/or mustaches—keep them trimmed nicely and they can be a definite yes. In an outfit like a suit of armor, you can always be a gallant knight in the eyes of that special someone.

Peasant men can look forward to homespun garments of wool, canvas, fustian, or leather, knitted hose, and hobnail shoes. Appropriate field clothes include tunics, loose breeches, canvas leggings, and thrummed hats. (You'll never be royals...sorry not sorry.)

Richard Sackville, 3rd Earl of Dorset

Ladies, flaunt your fabulous figure in a stylish dress suited to your socioeconomic status. The royal family sports crimsons and other bright hues trimmed with ermine, but that kind of lux just ain't for the lesser nobles, who've got to settle for fox or otter trim on velvet, silk, and satin. Peasants in the nearing autumn weather can expect to don homemade cotton, leather, or wool garments in pastel colors. 

Broad shoulders, wide hips, and a sleek waist are the way to go, girls, via a separate bodice, sleeves, and kirtle reinforced with wire or whalebone farthingale. For the less curvaceous, a bumroll can add an extra boost to your hip volume. (Most importantly, don't forget the ruff!) Peasant women, keep chugging along in petticoats with front-laced bodices with blue or black kirtles. (Bloodstains, ball gowns, trashing the hotel room...)

The paler the skin, the higher your (apparent) social rank! Pamper your face and neck with ceruse: a makeup base of white lead and vinegar, cheek dyes of cochineal or vermilion, drawn-on beauty spots, red lipstick, and plucked eyebrows.

Mary Queen of Scots

Queen Elizabeth of England

At ElizabethanLife, we can't decide who looks more ravishing in her noble ruff and elegant updo: Mary Queen of Scots or Queen Elizabeth of England. Tell us, ElizabethanLifers, who wore it better?

(ﾉ◕ヮ◕)ﾉ*:･ﾟ✧ Picture This

For my choice memoir, I read Susanna Kaysen's Girl, Interrupted, a hauntingly detailed depiction of Kaysen's two years in the psychiatric ward of McLean Hospital after being diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. Kaysen constantly compares the mental hospital to a "parallel universe", stating that though it is invisible from our current standpoint, the view of the outside is clear from the inside.

Kaysen's major internal conflict is that she struggles to delineate the boundary between the two worlds of sanity and insanity. Thus, for my symbolic illustration, I drew a person sitting inside a snow globe-bubble-like thing, whose outer glass-bubble-thing is fluid, and penetrated as the person inside pushes out. I guess my odd-looking Matched-esque drawing could be interpreted a number of ways, but I intended for the bubble to represent the unclear distinction between the "normal" world and the world of the mental hospital. The person's breaking free of these boundaries symbolizes the fact that Kaysen is in denial about why she has been placed in a psychiatric hospital, and she struggles with a sense of belonging and acceptance of her situation. The bubble could also be thought of as confinement of the person inside, representative of the tight security and oppression faced by Kaysen and her comrades, which is a second major conflict (but not quite what I'm discussion right now. I digress.)

Toward the end of the book, Kaysen directly poses her questions about the boundary between sanity and insanity: "Someone who acts 'normal' raises the uncomfortable question, What's the difference between that person and me? which leads to the question, What's keeping me out of the loony bin?" (Kaysen 124). In a way, she also questions the reasons she was sent to the mental hospital in the first place, as she believes there are many others out there who are not so different from her, and may be wondering the same thing upon hearing her story. She implies that she and others like her were wronged, and forced into lives they did not choose.

1st Quarter Poetry Journal Reflection

Traffic Jam

If it hadn’t been for the traffic jam

I might never have noticed

the mist hanging low above the cornfield

a sunken cloud

the nebulous haze of unbroken sleep

pierced only by the golden

cylinders of sunshine

and faint red glow of taillights -- they who,

among Nature’s lazy morning slumber,

have long awoken and long

slipped into the rhythm

of growing impatience.

Hesitantly

You say my name hesitantly

as if tasting a drink,

rolling it around your tongue

and swallowing delicately.

You’re wearing your friendly mask,

every smiling muscle in your face

trembling halfway, like

balancing the light switch between on

and off.

And so I do the same, we’re

two sides of a mirror

colliding, falling through.

Could I but decipher

the contours of your raw

skin behind your mask? for

my nose strains

to catch the subtle

smell of defeat.

August

August

is when new year’s resolutions

start to peel away

and the squeaky-shine voice

of conscience takes over.

August

is when you’ve outgrown your old

skin and try to stitch

another one back together.

August
is friends and strangers

switching roles

a film of frost on

every word.

August

is a balancing act,

a fiery maroon

coaxing dying embers.

August

is when mistakes and sweet

remembrances pulse back and

linger like

a crooked arabesque.

First thing, can we agree to give me a minor fangirl moment? I just want to say gush that the daily poetry journal response is literally my favorite thing every single day. The opportunity to honestly express myself in my weird, abstract, metaphor-adoring (see, this is what happens when you listen to way too much Lorde) way is really rare for my fast-paced life right now, and I'm constantly so thirsty for quiet reflection and appreciation of beautiful writing. *gushy hand gestures*

Okay so I'm done with that whole kiss-up-to-Mrs-Leitsch thing (but I actually mean it).

I don't remember which poems "Traffic Jam" and "Hesitantly" were responses to; I think I might have done a free write. "Traffic Jam", obviously, addresses the conflict between nature and human activity, which has been an increasingly common theme in my poems. In the poem, I sort of lament the fact that humans are constantly looking for a more fast-paced lifestyle, while failing to see the beauty in their natural surroundings. I paid a lot of attention to my diction (I just love playing around with words >_<) and imagery: "golden cylinders of sunshine" and "the nebulous haze of unbroken sleep" are two lines that I'm somewhat proud of.

The second poem, "Hesitantly", was kind of a weird experience for me; I wrote it in response to passing someone in the school hallway whom I used to have rivalry and tension with and I hadn't seen in a while. It brought up some... interesting ideas, because I wasn't sure what the person thought of me now that almost two years had passed and I wasn't sure whether he/she had let go of what had happened. It came out of kind of a weird thought process, but I liked the similes that I tried to weave into it, like "as if tasting a drink, rolling it around your tongue and swallowing delicately".

"August" was a response to the poem, also titled "August", that we read in class. I really worked on my imagery and metaphors in this piece. I tried to use repetition in an artful way, being very careful not to make it too monotonous or predictable (because that can happen soooo easily -_-). I also played around with my line breaks (wow the poem looks really narrow xD) and switched lines in the middle of phrases where they sounded kind of out-of-place and unnatural, trying to mirror the disconnected thoughts of teenagers going back to school in the fall. Last year, I did a lot of things that I now regret, so I wrote this poem in response to how those incidents made me feel and where they have now landed me.

1st Quarter Independent Reading Reflection

Well hasn't it been one hectic quarter. *sighs, arms akimbo*

This quarter, I finished a grand total of two books and abandoned one.

The first book I read was Memoirs of a Geisha by Arthur Golden, a historical fiction book that I had met on Goodreads (Goodreads is basically my Tinder for online book-dating xD). I was captivated by the intricately realistic detail and vivid emotions that Golden portrayed, a quality made even more astonishing by the fact that Golden is an American male author writing from the first-person perspective of a Japanese woman. This was one of the few books that I feel really deserved my "spiritual reading"; it really opened my eyes to the culture of Japanese geisha during the time of the World Wars, and I was also able to pick up and appreciate the beautiful writing style and figurative language. I feel like I really rediscovered historical fiction and I hope to read more in the future, because it was a window into a whole different culture and time period.

I am debating over whether to see the movie or not... I fear it might ruin the beautiful imagery in my mind from the book, but I also think it might be intriguing to see someone else's interpretation. For those who have seen the movie — any suggestions?

The other book that I finished was Angels and Demons by Dan Brown, on a recommendation from Jason Zhang, who claims that the book changed his entire perspective of the world. Unfortunately, it didn't seem to have nearly as strong of an impact on me. I read The Davinci Code, also by Brown, last year, and the first thing I noticed was how strikingly (and almost amusingly) similar these two books were. The storyline is amazingly parallel: Harvard professor Robert Langdon gets a call from a mysterious official late in the night on account of an unexplained murder, and he whizzes off to a famous location in Europe to investigate a series of obscure clues put in place by a secret satanic cult seeking to destroy the Catholic Church (while picking up an attractive young female scientist along the way), all in a matter of twenty-four hours. Hashtag deja vu.

This book was one of the faster reads for me, and I didn't connect with it on such a spiritual level because (okay you can disagree with me) there didn't seem to be as much human emotion and beautiful, image-filled writing to savor. Nonetheless, Angels and Demons did not fail to thrill and captivate me with Langdon's superhuman intelligence and the smooth elegance with which all the details of the situation fit together, and after finishing the book, it is hard to believe that the Illuminati doesn't really exist. I will never look at a one-dollar bill the same way.

I will admit that I didn't get to read as many books as I had hoped (BUT I CAN EXPLAIN) because I've spent these couple months scrambling around frantically, trying to adjust to the new rhythm of high school life, tackle a new AP course (fist...pump), get ahead in Science Olympiad, write my oratory speech for Speech and Debate, and manage to keep up with practicing violin, all in one big gulp, leaving me extremely limited time to pursue my reading and do justice to the title of my blog (wow that whole paragraph was one enormous sentence #syntax). I do hope that next quarter, I'll be able to squeeze out more time from in between my other activities to unwind and read.

Speaking of studying for Scioly, I actually believe that during the past quarter, I've read far more than ever before — not in terms of books, but in terms of pages and new knowledge that I've gained. Scioly, a competitive club in which students compete in various subjects in science (mine include anatomy and biology), is one of my most demanding extracurricular commitments. Soooo... does this count as my independent reading? *adorable smile* :)

During second quarter, my reading goal is to finish at least four books, including at least one classic (perhaps Victor Hugo's Les Miserables and/or Nathaniel Hawthorne's The Scarlet Letter, which happen to already be sitting in my Kindle library). I also want to explore more historical fiction, which is kind of a genre I just "rediscovered". One such book on my Goodreads to-read list is Kathryn Stockett's The Help, which I've been wanting to read for, like, forever T_T